Christmas Wishes: Love, Actually….Not So Easy

When we come to the crossroads of Christmas & New Years Eve Avenue, the thoughts spinning in our minds have shifted many times, and in many ways. The shopping, the search for gifts for friends (and foes) alike, and the preparations to make it the best of Christmases have all circled our minds for a solid month. (Talk about time suck…)

For the single souls, the idea of making a love, actually connection also flies in for a weekender. The idea of a soulmate popping up in our busiest season when all people are rushing about for the hot games to play on the Xbox (I could go on some porn rant here, but I won’t) seems a bit too Love, Are You Kidding Me?
I happened to be in the single DNA pool during the season. We all know why. No need to rush to that therapy couch, or dig up some old photos, or talk to someone that knew me from high school. It’s obvious – and I’ve talked enough about it to give Dr. Phil/Dr. Oz brain cancer via auditory violations of their senses.
What I do know is I have substituted for love the various parts of interaction that constitute a relationship. For example, my interaction with girl #1 (Rita) typically is about education, books and whatever popular media is cooking up for our consumption. Woman #2 (Laura, sexism learned) is about sports & drinking and whatever her latest conquest is going to do for her. Woman, Chastity a.k.a. numbero tres, is a hottie that knows it, flaunts it, and wants a guy to pay for it – alimony I assume is in her tarot readings.

There are more, but you get the point. The pheromones attract me to bits and pieces of a ideal woman, the ones with scents of lilacs in their hair, or sweat-kissed lips that must send out a 50,000 watt signal to my turbocharger to rev up to 10,000 RPM. What I find is someone unavailable for future engagement.

I learned this tact from the Oakland A’s. Substitute parts of a really killer team with Frankenstein parts of other orgs that don’t fit into their team direction. This worked for them from 2001-2006. Now, however, they are trying to make a monster via trades and minors grooming….but anyways…you understand the philosophy, now to what I want for Christmas.

The soulmate would be funny, love sports, read and know what the hell is going on in Africa, Australia and Asia, like to travel, love sex, dreams and does what she dreams, and can stand me. (The last one is the deal killer, I know.)

She’d be attractive, not dolled up like some porcelain knock-off with hooker traits that you’d find in the West End. No, she’d be a girl (um, woman) I would think jeans, a white t-shirt without a boulder holder on, would suffice to pretty her up. And no, I ain’t making this a sexual…thang.

We all like certain ideas – or as a classic rant from Bull Durham stated:

Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back,
the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are
self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I
believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the
designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening
your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long,
slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

Amen brother. (Sontag, right)

To wit, we all have our wishes and dreams that can rarely be satisfied, especially during a Holiday season. They all spin around like some bad, old 45 in our heads. (I’m thinking: Don’t Dream It’s Over by Crowded House.) And they continue to spin because I really don’t know what I have to offer to make the spinning game a exciting and fruitful and multiplying love life.
Oh, well Love actually isn’t very easy.
In fact, it damn hard.
Happy Holidays!
Song I can’t find online:
Just Jack, ‘Smoke’. ( I like the sax playing…)
Facebook link to Phil Garant Mix is all I’ve found and ilike.
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