My Spin of a Bull Durham Quote: Crash Davis’s Rules of Life

From the Movie Bull Durham

 Crash Davis: Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

My monologue version of this: Well, I believe in good sex, money for nothing, loud-ass music, and, as Americans, we all need an in-house masseuse issued to us once we reach 30. That the movies of Quentin Tarantino are overrated, blood and gore fests painted up to teach a moral – only i don’t need that fucking lesson.  I believe happiness is a beer, a pizza, a kick-ass ballgame, and a woman that enjoys those things too. I believe George W. Bush acted alone; or at least, needed no real prodding to make his religion-inspired decisions. That the versions of the Bible are too many, like strippers name Chastity, or Destiny. I wish every day was Halloween. That a man’s home is his goddamn castle, a baseball game is a holy experience, and all men need Viagra so three days of fever-pitched sex means a long weekend with a woman not named Chastity. And the Cubs will reach their destiny of holding up a World Series trophy some Halloween.

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